It's four o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep, which has become the norm for me for the past couple of weeks. These days I've found myself tossing and turning until the sun comes up, thoughts jumbled in my head and problems that should not even be considered. I stumbled across a very recent picture of my ex-boyfriend. He and I haven't spoken to each other in about a month even though we still communicated after breaking up last year. So I see his smiling face starting back at me, and I feel empty. I don't know who this person is. I might as well be looking back at the face of a stranger, a man that I have never met.
It's so weird to think that this time last year he and I were on our way to Tybee Island in Savannah, GA for a weekend with his family. We were so in love, who would have thought that a year later we would be nothing to one another. That's exactly what he is in my life, and I have to swallow my pride and tell you that it really breaks my heart. This was someone who I wanted to be with for a long time and now I can't even remember how that felt.
Is this what is suppose to happen? Is this how it's suppose to feel? The thought that scares me the most is knowing that somewhere in this world he is walking around and probably feels the same way that I do. I'm not one to get mixed up with the emotional aspects of things, but I will be the first to admit that I do cry when I think about him. It's not because I still want to be with him, but maybe it has a lot more to do with sadness and acceptance that a part of me feels lost. That's how I look at him; as a stranger with a part of me that will always belong to him.
So what about love? Is this love that I'm feeling, I really wouldn't be able to tell you. There is something romantic about this whole idea; to be able to look back and say that he is the one who got away. There is a romance to unrequited love, a lost love that had true potential but the wrong timing. I love him, but I am not in love with him. It's quite hard to explain, but almost as if I have to love him because he has a part of me.
But now he's like a ghost from my past who stares back at me from picures, taunting me with his smile and imagining how happy his life may be without me. He's a stranger who doesn't call.
Yes I have ran around and pretended to be the happiest girl on the planet. I could pretend that I don't need him. But get this, after al the pretending and faking I have actually reached the point where it is all real. I am so excited about what life has in store for me, but I still think about him. And I want him to think about me. So as happy as I am now I have realized, at this ungodly hour, that I still hope he thinks about me from time to time. I hope he's miserable knowing that I haven't had the urge to call or make any sort of contact with him at all. I hope that I haunt his thoughts just as much as he is haunting mine. So what about love? What about our love? Why wasn't it enough??
