What About Love?

It's four o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep, which has become the norm for me for the past couple of weeks. These days I've found myself tossing and turning until the sun comes up, thoughts jumbled in my head and problems that should not even be considered. I stumbled across a very recent picture of my ex-boyfriend. He and I haven't spoken to each other in about a month even though we still communicated after breaking up last year. So I see his smiling face starting back at me, and I feel empty. I don't know who this person is. I might as well be looking back at the face of a stranger, a man that I have never met.

It's so weird to think that this time last year he and I were on our way to Tybee Island in Savannah, GA for a weekend with his family. We were so in love, who would have thought that a year later we would be nothing to one another. That's exactly what he is in my life, and I have to swallow my pride and tell you that it really breaks my heart. This was someone who I wanted to be with for a long time and now I can't even remember how that felt.

Is this what is suppose to happen? Is this how it's suppose to feel? The thought that scares me the most is knowing that somewhere in this world he is walking around and probably feels the same way that I do. I'm not one to get mixed up with the emotional aspects of things, but I will be the first to admit that I do cry when I think about him. It's not because I still want to be with him, but maybe it has a lot more to do with sadness and acceptance that a part of me feels lost. That's how I look at him; as a stranger with a part of me that will always belong to him.

So what about love? Is this love that I'm feeling, I really wouldn't be able to tell you. There is something romantic about this whole idea; to be able to look back and say that he is the one who got away. There is a romance to unrequited love, a lost love that had true potential but the wrong timing. I love him, but I am not in love with him. It's quite hard to explain, but almost as if I have to love him because he has a part of me.
But now he's like a ghost from my past who stares back at me from picures, taunting me with his smile and imagining how happy his life may be without me. He's a stranger who doesn't call.

Yes I have ran around and pretended to be the happiest girl on the planet. I could pretend that I don't need him. But get this, after al the pretending and faking I have actually reached the point where it is all real. I am so excited about what life has in store for me, but I still think about him. And I want him to think about me. So as happy as I am now I have realized, at this ungodly hour, that I still hope he thinks about me from time to time. I hope he's miserable knowing that I haven't had the urge to call or make any sort of contact with him at all. I hope that I haunt his thoughts just as much as he is haunting mine.  So what about love? What about our love? Why wasn't it enough??

I Am Bitter, I Eat Too Many Lemons

Here's the thing about relationships, you meet someone and they convince you that they are the only thing you could ever need in life. For a while you start to believe that it's the truth, and why shouldn't you? You've finally met the person who has 'proven' you wrong about all the other frogs that you've kissed, the other fishes in the sea. Why shouldn't you love with everything you've got? You would like probably nothing more than to just throw all your cares out of the window and ride off into the sunset with your prince.

You know I used to be like you; a naive girl with her head in the clouds. You spend your whole life watching sappy romantic comedies that make you believe that your happy ending is right around the corner in the form of a handsome man with one rose in hand. Don't be stupid, it's all a lie. In the end you're going to end up feeling all alone and pathetic, wondering why the heck you were stupid enough to believe in unicorns and leprechauns.

Once upon a time I used to be that girl. I was closed off to the idea of love for a very long time because I thought that the whole relationship ideology in our society seemed so forced and fake. But here's the thing about thinking like that, it's always when you're least looking for it that you find love. And I did find him, in the form of a slow talking, grin bearing Southern man. I pushed him away, believe me I tried; I somehow found every excuse to end things with him, but he always ran after me. So maybe that's how he won over me, he never gave up on my stubborn self.

I needed him. He became my best friend and it got to the point where I couldn't see a life without him. That was the naive little girl coming out; I planned our life in my mind, smiled at the thought of sitting on a couch watching old movies with him, washing dishes on a Sunday evening. But then he ended things. Oh yes, my prince charming ended up being a frog in disguise. I guess it was a long time coming, we had been having problems but I thought that it was something that we could over come. It seems that our timing was off; he had just graduated from college and I was entering my senior year. It was a point in our lives that we needed to figure out for ourselves. Or this is what I at least would like to think.

The Notebook, it seems, is my kryptonite. There is something romantic about parting ways, of the one person who got away. But I am not a little girl anymore, I can't hide behind romantic movie plots and wish for the best. The world is a harsh place and is very unforgiving, relationships are another sure way of showing us that life is not a fairy tale. The truth is that I am bitter, but who wouldn't be? You date as many people as you can because you assume that eventually you will find the 'right' person to compliment you. But see, I never believed in that. I don't think that dating is something that should be taken lightly, because obviously so many college girls are already doin that for me. I'm just going to let them slut themselves out and find their 'right' ones (usually it's always Mr. Right Now For the Night) because eventually they'll weed out their soulmates and mine will land on my lap.

I'm tired of relationships. I don't need anyone to make a fool of me again, feeling this way has left me with a low self esteem. It's time to enjoy the single life (more than I have already been). There is no such thing as perfect love, there is no such thing as soulmates. Love blinds you and makes you believe all these beautiful things, but sweetheart it's not true or real. Real are the kids in Africa starving, real love is adopting a child and giving them a home. Real love isn't needing someone else and then being thrown out of a window. I used to believe in relationships but that was because I was naive. Now I'm realistic and I pity anyone who is tied down.

You are all making a fool out of yourselves with your baby talk and romantic gestures. It's so cheesy and gross; it makes me nauseous. I see couples and I laugh on the inside. Stop lying to yourselves, it's not going to work out.